a brush with death


With the flushing of the toilet Jo heard a strange noise behind her. A sort of, stretching, crunching sound.

Quickly turning around, she couldn’t believe her eyes. Facing her was a giant creature. About six feet tall, round shaped, with dark fur and glowing red eyes.

A Yeti.

Terrified, she screamed...

At that moment, the toilet door swung open and there stood a figure, framed in the daylight of the garden, cape fluttering in the breeze like some angel of mercy.

'Doctor!' Jo cried with relief.

Seemingly distracted by this new arrival, the Yeti froze for just a brief moment, giving Jo the chance to run out of the little hut and hide behind the Doctor.

'What is it?'

'A Yeti, Jo' he replied, 'Or at least a robotic version of one.'

'So what are we going to do? Does it have an off switch?'

'I am thinking Jo! Just give me a moment.'

'Well, you had better think of something, it’s coming straight for us!'

The Yeti lumbered forward growling and waving its, admittedly stumpy, arms at them.

At that moment the Doctor shouted 'Eureka, of course!' Running around and behind the Yeti, he dashed back into the little hut. Ripping the top off the water tank he began pulling at pipes, muttering to himself as he did so.

Faced with the lumbering Yeti, Jo grabbed a garden rake she had seen nearby and began lashing out with it.

'Get back you horrible hairy thing!'

This had little effect as the Yeti continued to lumber forward.

'Doctor, whatever you are doing in there, please do it quickly, I can’t hold it off much longer!'

'Nearly done, Jo. Just one more piece to fit back in and.....there, it’s done!'

Using all his strength the Doctor pulled at the chain hanging down and the toilet made a heaving rattling sound before finally flushing, a cascade of water flying into the air.

At that moment the Yeti stopped in its tracks and before Jo’s eyes, briefly glowed a bright white before shrinking and becoming a toilet brush again which fell to the ground with a clunk.

Completely drenched, the Doctor came out of the toilet with a mixture of pride and embarrassment on his face.

'Well that did it...'

'What did it Doctor? What did you do?'

'It was quite simple really, once I realised what caused the Yeti to transform I...'


'Well I, ahem...'


'I reversed the polarity of the U-bend flow.'

Jo didn’t know whether to laugh or jump for joy. Certainly she wasn’t going to hug the Doctor, not the drenched state he was in. In the end all she could say was 'I think perhaps we should get you a new set of clothes, and the number for a dry cleaner who is good with suede...'

'Yes, quite.' said the Doctor, dripping....

At that moment the Brigadier walked into the garden. 'Doctor I came here as soon as I got the message from Sergeant Benton that he had driven you here...'

He stopped in mid-sentence as he surveyed what was in front of him.

'What on earth?'

'That, Brigadier,' he said pointing to the toilet brush, 'is a deactivated Yeti.'

'Not again!' gasped the Brigadier. 'I thought we had seen the last of them after that incident in the...' He paused. Suddenly things began to make sense. 'The Underground. Of course! So what are they up to this time?'

'It’s not what they are up to my dear fellow,' replied the Doctor, 'but whoever is controlling them, that is our concern and we haven’t a moment to lose!'

'Well what do you suggest we do first?' asked the Brigadier.

'Isn’t it obvious?' piped up Jo. 'We need to find out how on Earth there was a Yeti in a loo in Tooting Bec!'

'Doctor, you and the Brigadier go back to UNIT HQ and to dry off and analyse that brush. I will speak to Mrs Hammond again. I think she'll be more comfortable talking to me.' said Jo.
Both men looked at each other, neither used to taking instructions from a woman. Realising they couldn’t think of a better idea they both shrugged and agreed to do what Jo had suggested.


Sometime later, back at the Doctor's lab, and for once the Time Lord had to admit he was stumped. He had taken the toilet brush apart piece by piece and while he had established that the sound of a toilet flushing turned it into a full size Yeti he still had no idea as to how and why it happened.

Slumped over his desk, face cupped in this hands he barely moved when Jo entered. 'Well Doctor,' she said, 'I think I have some very interesting information for you!'

He smiled, a bit. 'Really, Jo? What is it?'

'After several more cups of tea, Mrs Hammond explained that she had been given that toilet brush only a few days ago. A door to door salesman had given it to her as a free sample apparently.'

'Yes?' The Doctor straightened up, interested. At that same moment the Brigadier walked in.
'A very charming salesman, all in black, including his beard. Ring any bells?'

'Of course, the Master!' the two men said in unison.

The Doctor jumped up, knocking over his stool in the process. 'Why didn’t I think of that before? It makes sense now. Somehow he has managed to adapt that blasted tissue compression device of his so the effect works in reverse.'

'So what can we do?' asked Jo.

'Isn’t it obvious?' replied the Brigadier, 'We need to get every single one of those toilet brushes as soon as we can'' he said and then bellowed: 'SERGENT BENTON!'

'Yes Sir?' Benton said, running into the lab and instantly standing to attention.

'Toilet brush collecting party, at the double!'


Within hours, Benton and his team had managed to collect all of the lethal brushes.

'All present at correct, sir!' he said, saluting the Brigadier while he stood beside a large crate which contained them.

'Well done, Sergeant. Now Doctor, what do you want us to do with all of these things?'

'Well, I wouldn’t mind having them back actually,' came a smooth velvety voice from the entrance to the lab. 'And unless any of you want to meet an untimely end I suggest none of you move.'

Standing there, tissue compression eliminator in hand, was the Master.

'This is a top secret facility. How on earth did you find us?' roared the Brigadier.

'Well it was quite simple really, I couldn't help but notice Sergeant Benton here lumbering from house to house, retrieving my little furry friends.'

The Sergeant made a quiet moaning sound as he slowly went red.

'Then of course for a top secret facility you could hardly make yourselves more detectable could you? I mean a giant “UNIT - TOP SECRET” sign? Why I never thought of coming here before I can’t imagine.'

'So you have come back for them?' said the Doctor calmly.

'Why of course.'

'Well what exactly do you intend to do with them?'

'Isn’t it obvious my dear Doctor?' smiled the Master 'With these Yeti I can bring the entire underground system to a standstill for an entire day!'

'And?' queried the Doctor

'Well isn’t it obvious? I can then take over London, Doctor.'

'I see…' said the Doctor rubbing the side of his face 'Tell me, how much time have you spent in London?'

'Not that I see how it matters, but probably just under a month.'

'I take it then that you were not aware that in the past 12 months there have been half a dozen strikes by underground workers, leaving the underground closed for days on end?'

'Oh.' The Master looked crestfallen.

'Also, I assume you are not familiar with the term "replacement bus service"?'


'Ah! All in all a pretty pathetic plan, even by your standards, don't you think?'

Crestfallen, the Master slowly walked backwards towards the door, abruptly turned around and ran out. Both the Brigadier and Sergeant Benton ran to the door at the same time and promptly crashed into each other, ending up in a heap on the ground.

Despite the potentially deadly situation they had just been in, the Doctor and Jo couldn’t help but laugh at the sight in front of them.

Regaining their composure, both military men got up and brushed themselves down. Sergeant Benton started towards the door to chase after the Master but the Brigadier stopped him.

'Too late Sergeant, too late...'

'Sorry, sir.'

'Do one thing for me Sergeant.'

'Yes Sir?'

'Arrange for that blasted sign to be taken down. Now!'

'Yes Sir...'

'Well Doctor, that seems to be that.' said the Brigadier, 'Rather an abrupt ending but there you go.'

'Indeed, Brigadier.' said the Doctor, just managing to hold back any more laughter.

'So, now can I ask, what do you want us to do with all of these toilet brush things?'

'Oh, just take them all to a field somewhere and blow them up. After all, you are good at that sort of thing, Brigadier, don't you think?' The Doctor turned, smiled and with an arm around her shoulder, guided Jo towards the door of the lab.

As they stepped out into the corridor the Doctor said, 'Now tell me about this new James Bond film, Jo.' he asked as they walked.

'Oh it was wonderful, and the new Bond was a dream!'

'Yes, you mentioned that before. So you mean to say they have changed the actor in the lead role yet again?' Jo nodded in response with a smile beaming across her face. 'Who on Earth would think by replacing the lead role was a good idea? I mean once perhaps, but now for a third time? I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all of my lives...'

Jo laughed.

written by
copyright 2012

artwork by
copyright 2012